Bad moon rising

Bad bad day yesterday.  Went upstairs and wept for about 5 mins just so down.  I just had no interest in anything and ended up just sitting down doing nothing at all.  Heather remarked I am just like a zombie.  Which in all honesty is about right. I just have no interest in anything.  After a bit of a shout and tears we set out finally to do the blu ray player. Took us about 4 hours to set it all up and still not sure what it performs like as we didn't have time to test it with a film.

Got up early this morning to pick up the steam mop.  What's interesting is why I feel a lot better in the morning.  The longer the day goes on the worse I get . Not sure if anything can be read into this but hey its noted at least.  Weighed in before breakfast and found I have lost 8lbs wow.  Didn't expect that big a weight loss.

Much better today and although I am still not focussed or postivie about a single thing, I feel more upbeat.

The best you'll feel all day

I hate waking up knowing that the moment you have when you open your eyes is the best you'll feel all day.  It's a depresssing enough thought but knowing it turns into reality is soul destroying. My mind is getting worse by the minute. Today sorted out some lego for a trade and had to go into the back bedroom to pull out boxes.  After struggling to pull the boxes out and put them back I come downstairs to find I have sorted the bag out and put it back in the same place.  What a numpty.  I am now very worried about how I will go on when I get to work where you need to be on top of things. Should I mention it to people? Guess I will have to and see what they say.
Heather still seems to be angry and I cannot seem to tell her my thoughts without it seeming like I am cricising.  Told her last night that I hate it when she repeats the same thing over and over but when I tell her she thinks I am snapping.  How to put over my ideas without her getting defensive?
Bad black thoughts last night and it always boils down to the same thing.  I do not really like my life.  Fed up with it all.I would gladly go tomorrow but how to do it without upsetting her.  If she could find happiness without me I would gladly just die. Sad state of affairs when you are this low. Cannot see any light at the ened of the tunnel either.  It just seems I will go switching medication and the rollercoaster of feelings for the rest of my life. 
Need to end on a postivie note really so will just say looking forward to setting up the blu-ray.  Didn't get rund to doing it yesterday and quite excited about it really

Return of the Jedi

Woke up at 6.00am this morning. Not in a nice way either.  The batteries had gone in the carbon monoxide detector so it was making a beep sound every 30 seconds.  Wierd that in my dreams I was fixing a machine that was making the same beep sound every 30 seconds too.  Could not get back to sleep. So got up about 7.30ish. Excited that H is returning though.  She texted me a couple of times to tell me her whereabouts and pciked her up at the station. Re-arranged the lounge to move the Christmas Tree to a better location and that way I could see Badger.
She seems a bit off but the one thing you get with the madness is that you never know who is in a mood.  Is it me or is it her?  She says me so I guess I have to accept it, I am the mad one after all.  Picked up an ice cream maker after a farce of me writing the wrong reservation number down. (seems like I just picked a random number, go figure) Told H about the lounge move and she did not seem very enthusiastic.  I told her it can be easily changed back though.  Came back and she was not happy with my little re-arrangement as it was hard to get to the phone (well an obstacle course really). So I moved it all back, hey ho I thought it was nicer to see Mr B and it may put a bit of a downer on Christmas for me as I cannot see my little pal running around unless I get up. I'd rather see him than a bit of tinsel. May set up the Blu-Ray system we got from Harrods a bit later and I am hoping it is good and blows my little socks off (dunno I am still wary of the Sony badge). May write a bit later as it is only lunchtime but who can tell?

Another day another headache

Don't want this blog to turn into a moan fest but had another bloody headache today.  Weaning off the tabs is hard work. Going back to the dark days of having cluster headaches is hard.  Hardly seems worth it just to try a different type of medication. I just hope its worth it in the long run.
After a nap to try and sleep off the cluster pains. Started to do Heathers advent comps.  I really didn't appreciate the work she goes through to enter.  Took me around 3 hours to enter them all and bored me senseless.  Just hope I win something for her. At least it took my mind off dwelling on headaches or depression so feeling ok today. 
Chatted to Mr B for a while and feel like we should try and move his cage as I cannot see him from my seat in the lounge.  I do miss that as he does cheer me up.  I seem to need comfort either cuddles from the wife or an animal to talk to.  Still get me upset about Angel though.  Crying as I type as I remember her and how lovely she was. At least she is in a hapy place now.
Fire is on as it is bloody freeezing and make me think again of what Heather has to put up with.  I sometimes think she is not very happy in the house. She is getting out a lot more now though but it cannot be nice to be isolated, cold and bored doing competitions with little company during the day and a miserable hubby at night.  Never know whether to put on a brave face for her when I come back or whether to let my misery show.  Feel bad either way that compounds the depression really.

First ever blog

Well we've all got to start somewhere and I shall start my tale here.  It's a cold snowy day today and my toes are feeling the cold.  Up nice and early to take the wife to the train station.  A normal 10 minute drive took the best part of 30 minutes as we struggled through traffic and the snow. She is going to the 30 Seconds to Mars concert at the O2 Arena in London. Hope she doesn't freeze.
Mentally I am not too bad today. Could be described as halfway up the stairs as I am neither up nor down.  Had a bad attack of the cluster headaches this AM but took co-codamol to relieve it. I am attempting through this blog to try and detail thoughts that I just bottle up to see if it can improve my mental state. Hate being myself some days as I can be an absolute pain in the arse. Sometimes I sit and wonder why Heather is still with me.  I am not the easiest to live with and she has been so bubbly and outgoing whilst I shrink more and more into myself. I sometimes try to communicate with her as to how I feel but it just never comes out.  I find it easier to bottle it up than to blub out my feeling and thoughts as I am sure some of them would shock her.